Inquest statement & counselling

So i finally did my statement, yes I've been putting it off till I could put it off no more! Re-reading the events up until Matt died are horrible, & I have just got an overwhelming feeling of disbelief that it actually did happen. It shouldn't be allowed to, in this age where people are supposed to be helped & protected when they are vulnerable yet there never seems to be enough time to actually help them. So very sad, the kids are growing up without a dad & me without a husband :'(

The oldest two Kyla & Carwyn had their first counselling session this week, it was tough & scary having to face up to it. I just hope we can all get through it somehow, I hate how sad & angry the kids are & I just wish I could take that away. I also ordered a book for the younger children, it arrived today. It's called Muddy Puddles & Sunshine & gives the child an opportunity to talk through their feeling after someone close to them has died. It was recommended to me by someone who lost their daughter & she said her children found it very good to help them come to term (if that is ever possible) & cope. 

It's been a tough week so I'm going to leave it there today & give you a picture of my gorgeous little man Quinlan xx

Light up a life

Just got back from a lovely & very emotional evening at our local hospice. They were holding a light up a life service. 

From the hospice website:

Light up a Life gives us the opportunity to remember and to celebrate a life in a positive way, while joining together with others who understand the particular challenges we face at this time.  By lighting a light on the Nightingale House HospiceTree of Lights, which is situated at the Hospice on Chester Road, Wrexham families often find comfort in knowing that a light shines bright for theirloved ones this Christmas time and their legacy lives on.  Your light of course, does not have to be for somebody who was cared for by the Hospice, but anybody you wish to remember this Christmas.

A light was dedicated by us for Matt. It was lovely to sing carols, say prayers & snuggle & hold my babies close. 

Feeling blessed that my husband gave me our beautiful children & in them he will continue to grow. Xxxx

Tattoo!

Yesterday I went to have a new tattoo, 4 hours of pain eeeek! I would like to say it didn't hurt but I would be lieing.

I was having this 17yr old tattoo covered

The end result was well worth the pain, although it is still very swollen in this picture:

It is in memory of my husband , the 2 roses are to symbolise us & the heartstrings is to remember the wonderful 10yrs of happy marriage we had together. He bought me a necklace with this on for our 10th anniversary in August. I wear it along with his wedding ring, close to my heart where he will always remain.

My heart feels literally broken in two right now, when will this get easier?

The oldest 2 are starting their counselling next week, it's going to be tough going on us all. I will be going with them for the first session & then they will be given the choice of talking with or without me there. It's so very needed. I can't process exactly what has happened so I can't begin to think how they are.  How do you ensure they know how much he loved them when ultimately he left them? That we weren't enough! I am so angry that I'm having to do this alone :'(

Christmas decor

A lovely friend of mine suggested that I blog about my Christmas tree, so here it is!

This is my Christmas tree this year:

Tastefully decorated don't you think? There are a few reasons that I'm not putting up a real tree this year. 

1. With everything that has happened these past few months, I'm really not in the mood, I truely wish I could be for the kids but my heart is just not into it :'( it was something we ALWAYS did together as a family.

2. Due to all the work going on in the house, there seems lots of mess, clutter & dust everywhere & I don't want to add to it.

3. We are going away for Christmas & are not here all Christmas week & when we get back I know that the tree would just drive me insane! We are going to some barns with all our close friends so we can all  be together when it is going to be hugely tough for us all. There will be 22 of us including children, it gives me a little smile to think of as it would have been Matts idea of hell, he liked his own space!

So we have instead a lovely decorated tree that the two little ones made me in the childminders. They go to her every Wednesday due to funding obtained by my health visitor. It's not forever, they have given me funding until the end of January but it has just given me a little bit of time for me & also to manage to get everyone's Christmas presents in secret. Last week I went to Chester with one of my best friends & finished off the last few bits.

This Wednesday I am booked to have a 4 hour tattoo, eeek! Will write about that after......

My mum arrived last night, she is here for the week & it will be fab to spend some time with her. My family live 300 miles away & I miss them like crazy. It's also nice to have some adult company in the house, the evenings can be lonely on my own & I usually end up in bed by 9, so rock & roll that I am!

I'm gonna leave updating now as it is 4.50am & I could really do with the beauty sleep ;-) xx

Lay ins & organising!

We had the luxury of a 'lie in' & had an 8am wake up this morning (although only due to a late night for the kids as we were at friends for a birthday party). This was the beautiful  face I was greeted with so can't complain at all.

Love this little lady!

I have a friend of my husbands doing some work in the house today so there is likely to be lots of mess created. I think I will give up with trying to keep it clean & tidy until after he has gone. We had the bright idea of turning the once box room into a bathroom & the old bathroom into a bedroom. Unfortunately Matt died before the work was finished so all our lovely friends are helping us so the kids have their bedrooms back. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it in the end. Although on finishing one area in the house just shows up the mess & need to decorate in the rest. 

 

Not great pics but you can sort of see the new bathroom. 

2 posts in one day??

Thought I would add a picture of me & my husband, this was taken on August 10th 2013 when we went out for our 10th wedding anniversary. It is our last picture together :'(

Where to begin........

I started this blog many moons ago, only made a couple of posts & then gave up.

So much has happened since then.....................

We now have 5 gorgeous children, Kyla 12,  Carwyn 10, Enfys 4, Tryfan 2 and Quinlan 10 months. I am also very alone, my beautiful, sexy, fantastic soulmate husband died on the 4th September 2013, 3 months ago. I don't know quite how I have got through those months, but I'm just about still going.

Life is so very hard though :-(

My world xx