One step at a time

Yesterday was a good day, I'm hoping today will be just as good! 

I think I've got to stop dwelling on things & over analyising every little thing!!

I felt quite elated when I woke this morning as I weighed & I was down to the weight I want to be.........although maybe a couple more pounds might not hurt 😉

I know this is not particularly healthy though, I probably have an eating disorder. Writing this on her may not allow me to do it though so.........

I sometimes really restrict what I eat to the point in that I probably only eat a couple of hundred calories a day. I sometimes eat things and then make myself sick. Probably the hardest for me to admit I sometimes will chew food & spit it out before swallowing. I actually do this a lot & it's pretty discusting. 

There I've said it, it's more to do with controlling things when everything else is out of my control than changing how I look. My weight doesn't seem to change now anyway, I've really mucked up my metabolism 😞

I'm trying to be healthy by running but this may be another way to control 😞

Don't judge me, I am trying & I know it's not good but I don't know how to get out of these habits 😞

Paranoid??? Arghhhh

What the hell is happening to me, feel like I'm going slightly crazy. It's like I'm determined to self destruct everything by picking at every tiny detail. Maybe I'm trying to force it to finish just so I can say to myself 'see I knew that would happen, I knew they wouldn't be able to handle it'. I can then prove my worthlessness! It's pretty mucked up 😞 & definitely not healthy. Maybe I need to admit that I'm not coping before I destroy everything.............

Today is a new day though & I need to be happy for what I have, stop over analysing every little thing & try & take it for what it is. I want to be in a relationship & if I'm honest I'm not ready to be too serious, I want to enjoy spending time with someone & have some laughs. Maybe it's because I did serious where someone would constantly check up on me for so long I'm not used to that not happening. I've got to get that others do things differently though & that's not them. I don't want to change anyone, I loved the fact they were laid back & didn't stress it was refreshing! Think I just need to chill the hell out 😉 xx

Running is good for the soul!!

This however is not such a good look: 

I actually really enjoyed it, woke me up & made me snap out of my bad mood that I've been in all weekend.

I've been reflecting on my post yesterday & wondering if some of my frustration & feeling of being let down is from Matt rather than anyone else? I'm finding life tough & I'm expecting everyone to understand that. Why would they though? They are happy & don't have this overwhelming feeling of isolation that I have. I want people to get it, I guess walk in my shoes and feel what it's like. Deep down I know that unless they go through this (god forbid) they won't ever know though, it's a lonely path to travel. 

I'm finding myself resentful of others, those that can do 'normal' things. If you separate from the father of your children then at least they are still there somewhat to help out, I don't have that, I'm doing it on my own & will be now forever. That's a hard pill to swallow, Groundhog Day for the next x amount of years *sigh*

I want to enjoy my children, look forward to spending my days with them not resent them. I need to snap out if this self pity 😞