Mutton dressed as lamb!!

I went out for a meal last night ;-) couldn't decide what to wear & decided on this:

Was slightly worried that I was dressing too young, especially as it's my daughters skirt lol! I did get told I only looked about 27, I'm happy with that ha! 

Hard week coming up, Nanny Phyllis funeral on Thursday & a bittersweet day on Friday as it's Quinlans 1st birthday. We are going to try & make it good for him, not that he knows what is going on but it's so hard that Matt is not here to see this important milestone in his life.

<3 xx

Neglected as expected!!

Well the title of this is very true!!

I had all good intentions of keeping this up to date...........

Lots has happened, Christmas, new year, inquest, another death in the family :'( & wanting change!

Christmas 

We went away with friends to some lovely barns in Bala. It was just what we needed, the kids were kept busy & we got through it. I learnt I need to speak up more when I'm upset or lonely rather than just assume people will know. I guess I just don't want to cause aggro for anyone so just try & go with the flow but maybe sometimes that's not the way to go :(

Onesie day at Xmas!

Ready for Santa to come 

Balloons for Matt that we let off on Xmas day <3

Matt was constantly in our of our thoughts, I just felt overwhelmingly sad that he was missing out on seeing the kids, seeing Quinlans first Christmas :'(

I'm angry with him too, I try not to be but I am! I didn't want to do this alone, this wasn't how I thought my life would turn out. 

WHY?? :'((

New Year

We had quite a quiet new year, just went to some friends for his birthday. I didn't think I'd even make it to new year with the kids but I did.  When we got home the sky was amazingly clear, every star could be seen with the biggest brightest one over our house. I hope Matt was looking down on us <3

Inquest

I think I will have to do a separate blog about this at a later date. At least it's over now though.

More sadness

Matts nan died on the 17th January, the funeral is next Thursday on the 30th Jan. I just hope they have been reunited :'(

She had been poorly since just before Xmas & in the end she just didn't want to fight. She was 89 so I know death is inevitable at some time but it doesn't make it any easier for anyone. RIP Nanny Phyllis xxxxx

The future

I suppose it's the whole new year thing, but I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the future. It's scary the thought of facing it alone & I know I don't want to. I'm lonely, I'm missing someone checking in on me & letting me know they care. I have wonderful friends that do this but it's not the same. When is the right time? I know I still love Matt, I always will, we didn't separate & would still be together if he was still alive. The guilt is horrible :(

I also know I really need to get over my body issues!! It's becoming one of my biggest focus's & it's not healthy. I'm 5ft 6", 8st 10lb & a size 8/10, I can read that & think that yep that's slim, but I don't see that in the mirror. I kept saying when I was 8st something I would be happy......

I want to feel good about myself, feel confident young & carefree, none of which I feel now :( 

Being a widow takes over everything :'((