One step at a time

Yesterday was a good day, I'm hoping today will be just as good! 

I think I've got to stop dwelling on things & over analyising every little thing!!

I felt quite elated when I woke this morning as I weighed & I was down to the weight I want to be.........although maybe a couple more pounds might not hurt 😉

I know this is not particularly healthy though, I probably have an eating disorder. Writing this on her may not allow me to do it though so.........

I sometimes really restrict what I eat to the point in that I probably only eat a couple of hundred calories a day. I sometimes eat things and then make myself sick. Probably the hardest for me to admit I sometimes will chew food & spit it out before swallowing. I actually do this a lot & it's pretty discusting. 

There I've said it, it's more to do with controlling things when everything else is out of my control than changing how I look. My weight doesn't seem to change now anyway, I've really mucked up my metabolism 😞

I'm trying to be healthy by running but this may be another way to control 😞

Don't judge me, I am trying & I know it's not good but I don't know how to get out of these habits 😞

Paranoid??? Arghhhh

What the hell is happening to me, feel like I'm going slightly crazy. It's like I'm determined to self destruct everything by picking at every tiny detail. Maybe I'm trying to force it to finish just so I can say to myself 'see I knew that would happen, I knew they wouldn't be able to handle it'. I can then prove my worthlessness! It's pretty mucked up 😞 & definitely not healthy. Maybe I need to admit that I'm not coping before I destroy everything.............

Today is a new day though & I need to be happy for what I have, stop over analysing every little thing & try & take it for what it is. I want to be in a relationship & if I'm honest I'm not ready to be too serious, I want to enjoy spending time with someone & have some laughs. Maybe it's because I did serious where someone would constantly check up on me for so long I'm not used to that not happening. I've got to get that others do things differently though & that's not them. I don't want to change anyone, I loved the fact they were laid back & didn't stress it was refreshing! Think I just need to chill the hell out 😉 xx

Running is good for the soul!!

This however is not such a good look: 

I actually really enjoyed it, woke me up & made me snap out of my bad mood that I've been in all weekend.

I've been reflecting on my post yesterday & wondering if some of my frustration & feeling of being let down is from Matt rather than anyone else? I'm finding life tough & I'm expecting everyone to understand that. Why would they though? They are happy & don't have this overwhelming feeling of isolation that I have. I want people to get it, I guess walk in my shoes and feel what it's like. Deep down I know that unless they go through this (god forbid) they won't ever know though, it's a lonely path to travel. 

I'm finding myself resentful of others, those that can do 'normal' things. If you separate from the father of your children then at least they are still there somewhat to help out, I don't have that, I'm doing it on my own & will be now forever. That's a hard pill to swallow, Groundhog Day for the next x amount of years *sigh*

I want to enjoy my children, look forward to spending my days with them not resent them. I need to snap out if this self pity 😞

6 hours lost of my life!

Tryfan cut his eye open today in one of the local play places. We were in a&e 6 hours, treatment took about 15 minutes ha ha! They glued it back together twice so hopefully it will heal quite neatly.

Feel so tired now, from doing nothing! Kids were very well behaved though which I was thankful for but it was another time when I really felt how hard it is on my own.

We go on holiday to Malta soon, I can't wait! Hoping it will be an opportunity to recharge my batteries. My mum, sisters, dad & step mum will all be there & have offered babysitting. I'm also getting a guest visit from someone very special for a long weekend while we are there, it will be lovely to get some quality time together. Quite a big thing for them to do so I'm very happy that they want to. It's nice planning things & things in the future, lots is still uncertain but I guess we will cross any difficulties when or if we come to them. 

We had our first major argument last week, I think they are struggling with the whole single/relationship thing a bit. I was really gutted by something they said to one of their friends, felt like they were trying to prove something by talking about me like shit. Apparently it wasn't how I read it but black & white is hard to deny & I know I would never have said what they did. I just hope they realise their mistake & haven't just said they do to keep me happy. I think I felt worse as I was allowing someone to hurt me & that made me feel worthless. I think I need to be stronger!!! 

I am happy though, just hard to shake the insecurities my life has given me. I hope that they understand that I am trying. I just don't want to feel second best or that I'm someone that is convenient. I want to be a part of their life & everything in that. I've let them in just hope im not let down now, I want to be loved again 💗💗

Brain feels fried

There are way too many things going on at the moment & it's causing sensory overload, arghhh!

In less than 2 weeks we have Matts memorial concert Music in Mind, it should be a good night I just hope it goes smoothly & we raise lots of money for SANE. There is still so much stigma against mental illness & suicide the aim is that we can raise awareness a little & show that this does effect 'normal' people. It's tough to lose a love one through suicide as even though you try so hard you still have anger towards them, that ultimately it was their choice to leave you & now your children are growing up without a dad. Then on the flip side you know if they felt they had another choice then they wouldn't have done it. More help needs to be given, more support offered & more understanding that mental illness can effect anyone but everyone is an individual too & they should be treated as such. After Matts inquest the health board concluded that Matt did not meet their criteria for needing sectioning, ie he was smartly dressed, looking after himself, had self clarity, was still working...........they were all only at the point of that appointment though. He had felt suicidal that morning & expressed that & his mood was altering frequently & that he didn't 'have time' & needed help urgently. The social worker & nurse sent him on his way telling someone would contact him the next day..........6 hours later he had hung himself!

This will forever be ingrained in my soul 😞

It was also Matts 34th birthday on the 26th May, the first without him here, another first that we got through. The kids were incredibly brave, I hope Matt can see just how amazing they are. I had a bit of a meltdown, we shouldn't have to be visiting a grave to sing happy birthday, my younger children shouldn't even know what one is 😢

Kyla & Carwyn returned later to see the lights lit up, they said you could see them from the top of the graveyard. Kyla took this photo

There is lots more I could talk about but will leave it for today 💗💗

Thinking about the future

I've been prompted to write in this again by someone very special to me, if they're reading this then they will know exactly who they are. 

As it stands right now i don't know what the future holds for me & the kids, I truly hope that the happiness I have been shown will continue. There are lots of what ifs ahead but I have been made to realise that happiness is indeed possible and I guess what happens from here on will be a journey of discovery. 

There are still lots of things I need to sort out, some i find too overwhelming to think about yet but I am trying to tick some boxes off. I must admit I've had a few sulky moaning moments where I have not wanted to deal with any of the crap that's been left. The emotions are sometimes too raw & the frustration of feeling why me is pretty tough. 

💗💗

Charity fundraising

It's all a go go here at the moment, what last week was just an idea has quickly been turned into reality. We are holding a memorial music night in Matts memory to raise money for SANE. 

Music in Mind is actually happening!!

Here us the article from our local paper:

<3 it's amazing how people come together to help.