6 hours lost of my life!

Tryfan cut his eye open today in one of the local play places. We were in a&e 6 hours, treatment took about 15 minutes ha ha! They glued it back together twice so hopefully it will heal quite neatly.

Feel so tired now, from doing nothing! Kids were very well behaved though which I was thankful for but it was another time when I really felt how hard it is on my own.

We go on holiday to Malta soon, I can't wait! Hoping it will be an opportunity to recharge my batteries. My mum, sisters, dad & step mum will all be there & have offered babysitting. I'm also getting a guest visit from someone very special for a long weekend while we are there, it will be lovely to get some quality time together. Quite a big thing for them to do so I'm very happy that they want to. It's nice planning things & things in the future, lots is still uncertain but I guess we will cross any difficulties when or if we come to them. 

We had our first major argument last week, I think they are struggling with the whole single/relationship thing a bit. I was really gutted by something they said to one of their friends, felt like they were trying to prove something by talking about me like shit. Apparently it wasn't how I read it but black & white is hard to deny & I know I would never have said what they did. I just hope they realise their mistake & haven't just said they do to keep me happy. I think I felt worse as I was allowing someone to hurt me & that made me feel worthless. I think I need to be stronger!!! 

I am happy though, just hard to shake the insecurities my life has given me. I hope that they understand that I am trying. I just don't want to feel second best or that I'm someone that is convenient. I want to be a part of their life & everything in that. I've let them in just hope im not let down now, I want to be loved again 💗💗

Brain feels fried

There are way too many things going on at the moment & it's causing sensory overload, arghhh!

In less than 2 weeks we have Matts memorial concert Music in Mind, it should be a good night I just hope it goes smoothly & we raise lots of money for SANE. There is still so much stigma against mental illness & suicide the aim is that we can raise awareness a little & show that this does effect 'normal' people. It's tough to lose a love one through suicide as even though you try so hard you still have anger towards them, that ultimately it was their choice to leave you & now your children are growing up without a dad. Then on the flip side you know if they felt they had another choice then they wouldn't have done it. More help needs to be given, more support offered & more understanding that mental illness can effect anyone but everyone is an individual too & they should be treated as such. After Matts inquest the health board concluded that Matt did not meet their criteria for needing sectioning, ie he was smartly dressed, looking after himself, had self clarity, was still working...........they were all only at the point of that appointment though. He had felt suicidal that morning & expressed that & his mood was altering frequently & that he didn't 'have time' & needed help urgently. The social worker & nurse sent him on his way telling someone would contact him the next day..........6 hours later he had hung himself!

This will forever be ingrained in my soul 😞

It was also Matts 34th birthday on the 26th May, the first without him here, another first that we got through. The kids were incredibly brave, I hope Matt can see just how amazing they are. I had a bit of a meltdown, we shouldn't have to be visiting a grave to sing happy birthday, my younger children shouldn't even know what one is 😢

Kyla & Carwyn returned later to see the lights lit up, they said you could see them from the top of the graveyard. Kyla took this photo

There is lots more I could talk about but will leave it for today 💗💗