Off the rails or just trying to be 'normal'

I've been on a few nights out lately, the daughter is horrified that I've been buying clothes & actually going out. These are 2 things I rarely did when Matt was alive. Her words have made me think, what am I doing it for? 

I think I know the answer, I want to be normal! I don't want to be the 33 yr old widow with 5 children! I can go out & no one knows that, they don't judge me or question me. 

I'm also probably running away, not facing the pain & responsibility for a few hours. I do think these nights out help me get through the week though. I didn't ask for this, never wanted to be a single parent & I'm angry that my destiny in life was decided for me.  I don't want life to pass me by, to live with regrets.  I'm worried that I'm being selfish though :'(

Carly xx